Esmeralda Weatherwax and the Sorcerer's School
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: DiscworldHogwarts crossover. Granny helps Remus, who takes her to Hogwarts where she is all set up for a job teaching Headology. Er, Defence Against the Dark Arts. [on hiatus]
1. In Which Esme Gets a Job

A/N: What can I say? A night or two ago, Granny came by wanting a crack at the Hogwarts gang. She was even kind enough to provide me with some of the lines she wanted to be in the story.

Dedication: For whatever genuis came up with Pirates of the Caribbean. I am going to see it today with Kat. I'M SO EXCITED!

Disclaimer: I do not own Granny or anything-Harry Potter related. I merely dropped Granny in and watched the fireworks. Like dropping Mentos into Diet Coke, which I do not own either.

Rating: G, as of this chapter. May or may not go up for language in later chapters.

* * *

Esmeralda Weatherwax glared disapprovingly at the elderly man across the table.

"You wants me to _teach_ here?" she repeated suspiciously.

"Yes," replied Dumbledore, eyes a-twinkle. "Just for a year, to start. If you wish to extend your contract at the end of the school year you may, but we are rather short on teachers. You will be provided with rooms and so on--"

"I'll commute," Granny informed him crisply. "I'm agreeing to teach for a year, but my cottage is my cottage. That werewolf fellow I bandaged up managed to get me here, so I'm _sure_ you posh folk up here at the castle can figure out a way to send me back and forth when I needs to be."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I'm afraid that's impossible. If you would like, we can move your cottage here--"

"I shall then be takin' the rooms you offered, Mr…?"

"Dumbledore. I'll send one of the house-elves to show you to your quarters. You may call me Albus," he added, his eyes still twinkling. "My full name is…" he rattled off his many names, to Granny's further annoyance.

" 'White,' eh?" Granny sniffed. "Wizards. Full of yourselves, no matter where you may be from." Granny got a faraway look. "Even him…"she murmured.

She blinked and glared at Dumbledore again. "Very well. I shall teach Headology. But just for the year, mind," she warned.

Dumbledore smiled. In a slightly condescending manner, Granny noted.

"My dear Mrs.--"

"_Mistress._"

He smiled that irritating smile again. "_Mistress_ Weatherwax, then, you will be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts! Not headology," he told her, neglecting to capitalise Headology. Granny noted this as well.

"Heads are more use than spells and foolish wands are," she said flatly. "I shall be teachin' Headology, and I shall be teachin' as I pleases." She got up and strode to the door. She opened it, paused, and turned back to Dumbledore with a predatory expression.

"Also, _my good wizard_, if you don't stop twinkling your eyes you'll be hoppin' about and heading for that lake of yours before you have time to apologise," Granny growled, then stalked out the door.

Once outside, she grinned. The job interview had gone very well. She was quite pleased.

* * *

Short chapter, yes, sorry. The next one will be up within a few days. Reviews make more chapters come faster! (hint, hint)

And yes, yes, in my bio I say that Discworld is sacrosanct, but Granny isn't Discworld, now, is she? Besides, come on. Who does not want to see Granny give Howarts a good ding upside the head? I can't wait to write the bit where she meets Snape, and her first class...I'll go finish my chores so I can keep writing...


	2. In Which Esme Teaches her First Class

A/N: Foof. What a day. What a busy, busy day. And I still have to write my oneshot for today, which is what I ought to be doing rather than writing this. Ah, well.optimouse says hi. She's sleeping over and we're watching PotC2 tonight. EEEEE!

Dedication: This is especially for SirGawainofCamelot. Thank you for a) being my first reviewer and b) correcting me. Thank you so very much! You get a cookie and another chapter.

Rating: Still G, so far.

* * *

Esme looked at her new class. The first one of the day. First one of the year. She glared at the class, then the attendance list, then the class again.

"I knows you're all here today, and if you ever miss my class you will be _sorry_. That takes care of attendance." She adjusted her pointy hat.

"My name is Professor Weatherwax, and I will be teachin' you Headology."

A bushy-haired girl's hand shot up into the air and was waved around manically. Granny stared at her until she stopped waving.

"Yes?" asked Granny irritably.

"Professor, this is Defence Against the Dark Arts!" said the girl reproachfully. Granny was not pleased.

"You're bein' trained like a _wizard_, girl. I'm here to make you a witch. Use your head more and your wand less. Speakin' out against a teacher on the first day is not a smart move." She addressed the class as a whole. "That goes for all of you too. You've had enough fiddling' around with wands, and I don't hold truck with that. You need to learn how to _think_."

Granny picked up her tea and took a sip. At least they had decent tea here, she thought.

"First thing we needs to get straight is that I never use a wand. I am still the most dangerous thing in Lancre, and that's--"

The hand was waving again.

"What's your name, girl?" Granny snapped.

"Hermione, Professor, but where's--"

"Hermione Granger, I am not telling you again. Shut your mouth unless something useful is going to fly out." Granny was obeyed to a chorus of sniggers. She nodded to herself. This lot would take a bit of work.

She took another sip of her tea and spoke again.

"The first thing you needs to know is that nine-tenths of magic is knowin' one extra fact," Granny informed them. She waited impassively.

A few hands were meekly raised.

"You, the blond boy at the back." Granny pointed. "And you are…?"

"Draco Malfoy, Professor. What's the other tenth of magic?"

Granny treated him to a stare. He didn't look away for quite a while. She was impressed.

"When you can tell me that, I've done my job. It's good knowin' something but unless you can explain it to someone then you don't know it well enough," she added. "Any more questions?"

The class was silent.

"Good." Granny clapped her hands together. "So now we shall continue with our lesson."

She took out a decrepit, battered, stained pack of cards and set them on the table.

"Right, how many of you miserable lot know how to play Cripple Mister Onion?"


End file.
